(image by ??? - arrived by email from darlin' Anna)
WHAT TO SAY ABOUT YOUNG TRAVELLERS.
“What gets me,” you begin as you sit in The Winking Frog on Soi 7 “Is why anyone will pay thousands to travel half-way around the world and then go to some all night rave party when they can do exactly the same at home.” You stop to concentrate as the replay of the Wigan/MC game is interrupted by a direct cross to the 5th at Aintree....“ I mean, blimey, why don’t they just go out and experience some Thai culture, eat some Thai food, get the full range of the country’s attractions?” Your mate Stirrer puts up a hand to stop the waitress unloading a round of Singhas and green curries. “Not us luv, we ordered Carlsbergs and burgers.” You watch appreciatively as she sashays away in her serving-wench outfit. “You know, all this English-pub palaver is neat, but I wish the staff could remember orders like back home at my local.”
A pair of new-agers dart in from the soi and head for the ladies. “My god!” you say. “A couple of unwashed, gap-year wannabe hippies. Anyone got the air freshener!!!!!? And check the dreadlocks, looks like Rasta meets retards!!! Too silly for words!”
Your mate Stirrer mentions that your recently acquired bald pate looks kinda amusing too....
“Whattaya mean my chrome dome looks just as daft? Real practical this is, only have to shave it every couple of days.....Makes me look 45 instead of 35? Yer kidding, no 45 year old’s got my body.......Yeah, well okay, I’ve put on a bit of weight. It’s Soonay’s fault, always carting me off to Macca's. She’s okay, all that pole dancing burns it off.....Whattaya mean Pole Girls 4 U is my only exposure to Thai culture these days? You know I never miss Friday night karaoke...........When was the last time I ate Thai? Just yesterday I had some sticky rice with my KFC.”
You return to your favorite topic. “What I hate is the sneering, condescending attitude the dreadlocks and didgeridoo crowd have. They seem to have this retarded idea anyone who isn’t like them is beneath contempt. They class anyone doing a package trip, visiting Pattaya or staying in any hotel half decent as not a real traveller. They think they are the real travellers just because they spend a fortnight in Isan hanging around some useless volunteer project and living in some 100 baht traditional flyblown bungalow”.
Stirrer concedes your one bit of volunteer work, holding the flashlight at Samui SuperGirls ShootDart Show that time the power went out, was way more useful than digging new wells in Isan. But he also points out that the closest to Isan you have been in all 5 trips is the northern runway at old Don Muang....
“Who needs Isan?” you say. “Aint much good grub or Sky Channel up there. Besides, Soonay and her pals come from Isan, so all the the good bits are down here”.
The girls make a return dash across the bar.
“Jesus, what a sight!!! Imagine - they have the gall to sneer contemptuously at anyone doesn’t dress like them. And I mean, look at those stupid clown pants, the closest those little bints have been to a fishing boat is hopping off the longtail at Hat Rin. Pity they didn’t fall in the water, their clothes would get washed for once. And check the tie-dye T shirts. Is that Che on the front? Jesus, a bunch of overprivileged, underwashed wannabe 60s hippies all dressed up in their tribal uniforms!”
Stirrer reminds you that the Aussie bloke last night mentioned the tribal uniforms thing....
“You mean the old geezer in the NSW rugby jersey,” you say. “Giving us grief about our Premier League tops? Saying how in his day the only ones entitled to wear sports guernseys was them who actually played in the team. Said we were a bunch of poseur tribal groupies. Kept repeating “those who can, play a sport - those who can’t, follow a team.” It took all my will not to smack him. I’m glad that fat Millwall Fan finally sat on him. Silly effin old looser, just wants to criticise anyone isn’t his age group. Why don’t he drag his thinking into the 21st Century? Live and let live, I say”.
WARNING - if you are a hippie-hating older person with a severe case of youth envy, take no notice of the above piss-take. Just scroll on by.
You have a nice day, now.
For instant sporting cred add fat lad with bald head. And it being Liverpool FC, don’t forget the beach ball - image newkit co
Forget the beach ball. This England supporter claims abilility to distract goalies all by herself - image bikinisoccer.com
PART 2 - MORE STONES FROM THE JOKER IN THE GLASS HOUSE
or.............WHAT TO SAY ABOUT CHEAPSKATE TRAVELLERS.
“When it comes to hotels give me the Peninsula any day,” you say, as you signal the waiter for another round. “Relaxing in the High Roller Bar, blitzed on JW Black Label and surrounded by a posse of 5000 baht an hour local heartbreakers.”
“Yeah, sure beats sitting here in the Farang Bar of the Atlanta, half-smashed on Heineken and waiting for Soonay, your 5000 baht a week local ballbreaker,” says your mate Stirrer.
“Okay, so it’s the Atlanta for now, but when I make my million, the Peninsula will be the go,” you continue. "Anyway, the Atlanta is way up on the cockroach infected hovels those backpackers think are such a great deal. How anyone could travel thousands of miles to stay in a filth encrusted fleapit on the basis it’s The Real Thai Experience is beyond me.”
“Might have something to do with the fact a lot of them are bucks down students and low income types doing the big trip,” muses Stirrer.
“Listen, if they can’t afford to travel properly, they should stay home. Thailand is going to the pits with all the low life backpacker scum boasting on how they can live on 300 baht a day, bargaining 2 percent off a bottle of water and demanding a refund because their banana pancake wasn’t macrobiotic. Not to mention how they save so much money on soap and deodorant on account they never wash.”
“Yeah, I remember that time you avoided the short songthaew trip packed in with smelly quackpackers by chartering a longtail to go the longer coastal route. Except it was a blowy day in wet season and the chop had us taking in water so bad a squid boat had to come to the rescue. And there we were, up to our ankles in squid guts, made the whiffiest backpacker smell like the perfume counter at Harrods”.
You wonder if Stirrer will talk so good with a Heineken bottle jammed down his throat. You are certain to find out if he dares mention the 3 city, 2 taxi, 3 aircon coach saga between Ban Phe and Laem Ngop to avoid a similar traveller-packed direct minibus trip. Okay, it took 5 hours instead of 90 minutes and you arrived so late you missed the last Ko Chang ferry. But at least you saw a good slice of Thailand. And parts of Cambodia too, according to Stirrer.
Your cellphone rings. “Helmut!!! Where you been so long? I miss you big time!!!” says a familiar female voice.
“Listen Soonay, you hit the wrong button on your phone’s memory again,” you say.
“Oh it’s you, HansumMan!! I call you next, tell you to go to Gullivers without me. I have to arrange big time meeting with Helmut, my accountant.”
Of course she does. All smart Thai girls have German accountants. Those blokes are super-expert with figures and find the bottom line real quick.
One more beer turns into six, and as you tack to port thru the front door you meet an incoming Soonay accompanied by a frail looking elderly farang. “Stirrer, HansumMan!! I thought you dudes go to Gullivers long time ago,” says Soonay. “This is accountant Helmut. He my business consultant. We go up room now and work on big time merger.”
Stirrer looks genuinely concerned as you wait for a taxi, “Old Helmut‘s a worry,” he says. “He looked like he’d be lucky to manage even a short-time merger…. Maybe someone should go up to the room, throw in Brad Pitt and a set of booster cables…. Or Nurse Betty and a defibrillator.”
You wave down a tuk-tuk, it will save at least 50 baht over a taxi.
“But one good thing,” continues Stirrer. “Helmut’s such a snappy dresser with those short leather shorts, lederhosen and Hawaiian shirt, he definitely aint no cheapskate traveller.”
Betty - heart starter or heart stopper? (image Halloween Costume Ideas)
PART 3 - EVEN MORE STONES FROM THE JOKER IN THE GLASS HOUSE
or......WHAT TO SAY ABOUT ENVIRONMENTAL AND CULTURAL DISRESPECT
HansumMan and Stirrer combine carbon-zero fun time with a desire to offer backpackers cheap access to the islands -concept Wiley
“The thing about backpackers and package tourists is they show no respect to the country they are visiting,” you say as you lean on the horn of the SUV to hurry up the counter guys from Na Thon Takaway. “I mean, what about the state of the beach up at Hat Rin last Full Moon? All that litter and rubbish lying around, and I’m including all those young goof-offs making-out on the sand. They think they have carte blanche to come here, act offensively and trash a foreign country, something they wouldn’t dare back at home. Have you ever seen anything like it?”
“Well yeah,” replies your mate Stirrer. “Fort Lauderdale Beach last Spring Break., Belongil Fields at the Byron Blues Festival, Pipeline Beach after the Billabong Pro, Surfers Paradise any night Schoolies‘ Week, ……”
You make a note to slip several big green frogs into Stirrer’s bed before nightfall. You plough on: “I mean, what do the Thais think of a whole bunch of idiots, come into the place, mess up their country and behave in a way completely unacceptable to local cultural mores?” You direct this to your sensational Thai girlfriend Soonay in the back seat.
“Dieter!!! Where you been, I no hear from you so long? I miss you big time!!!” Your glance in the rear-view mirror confirms Soonay is on her cell phone again.
Undeterred, you continue your theme: “And how about the trip to Ang Thong National Marine Park? That pristine beach on the deserted island and it’s covered with plastic bottles and Red Bull containers. It’s those don’t give a stuff, I’ll wear my cut-offs and singlet top into the temple quack-packers, no respect for the environment, chucking their stuff anywhere.”
“Yeah, they probably watched those ferry deckhands hosing all the rubbish overboard at the island lunch stop and the squid fisherman sucking Red Bull like it’s addictive or something. Plus all those invisible trash bins at the Full Moon Party probably fooled them.”
You wonder whether a Western Gulf Tarantula would eat the big green frogs or vice versa. Any time now Stirrer is going to chip you about leaving the engine to idle, which aint exactly environmentally sound. But you are buggered if you are going to sit here without the aircon running. I mean, what’s a guy work hard for if he can’t be comfortable?
“I must go Dieter, got incoming call. Send money soon,” says Soonay. “Helmut!!! Where you been, I no hear from you so long!! I miss you big time!!!”
“Nah Stirrer,” you say. “Backpackers got no respect for the people, the environment or the culture!!” You grab the stuff off the counter boys, throw them a 2 baht tip, crank up the aircon to 5, turn Mariah Carey to max, feed a whole bunch of revs into the big V6 and blast off down the soi.
“HEY, YOU FORGOT TO MENTION YOUR FAVOURITE HATE - ALL THOSE TRASHY FARANG WOMEN IN THEIR G-STRINGS AND NO TOPS, PRANCING AROUND CHAWENG AND LAMAI AND CORRUPTING THE MORALS OF ALL THE POOR THAI PEOPLE MAKING A MOTZA OUT OF THEM!!” shouts Stirrer over the racket. “PRETTY SOON YOUNG PEOPLE ALL OVER THAILAND WILL BE CORRUPTED BY THIS TERRIBLE EXAMPLE AND WE’LL HAVE SWEET GIRLS FROM ISAN PARADING AROUND KSR, PATTAYA AND PATONG DRESSED LIKE PARIS HILTON IN RAUNCH MODE!!!”
You wonder if you can maybe get your hands on a South Samui Sidewinder snake.
“PARIS HILTON ALWAYS IN RAUNCH MODE, SHE totally awsum!” says Soonay as she ejects Mariah to her rightful place in the foot-well.
Awsum Paris upstaged by codpiece-packing Pierre in cool camou sluggos - image Fashionindi.com
“But Stirrer, you should not take piss on HansumMan about half naked farang ladies, he do so much research. Yesterday we walk 5 laps of Chaweng while he take photos. He got so hot and bother I have to take him back to bungalow and give big time relief....Wolfgang!!! Where you been, I no hear from you so long? I miss you big time!!!”
“Listen Soonay, are you sure all those cell-phone blokes are your German step-father’s brothers?”
“Damn straight, HansumMan. I only Thai girl this side of Pattaya got 32 German uncles. Stepfather come from real big family. My mother in Bremen insist they visit me when in LOS. They super cool dudes.”
“ I bet they show respect for the local culture,” says Stirrer.
“You not wrong Stirrer. They always give big tips.”
WARNING - If you are a backpacker-hating expat/sexpat/sex tourist/ environazi/ midrange-upper tourist it’s probably best you don’t read the above nonsense and just scroll on by.
A recuperating HansumMan keeps up the vigil - image Google Images
STONES FROM THE JOKER IN THE GLASS HOUSE - PART 4
or..........What to Say About Lowdown Corruption and Upright Women
“This country is going to the pits,” you say as you guide the big SUV down the soi. “The beaches are open cesspits, it’s full of boring package tourists and cheapskate backpackers. And the place is so corrupt it defies belief. It’s about time Thailand pulled itself into the present century and adopted western style levels of integrity.”
“Yeah, like Halliburton, Dick Cheney, Kenneth Lay, Enron, Lord Conrad Black, Jebb Bush’s Florida primary vote counting, Australian Wheat Board Iraqi food for oil bribes……” begins your mate Stirrer.
“Occasional lapses,” you interrupt. “Whereas graft is endemic here. The joint is rotten to the core. Every government official and cop is on the take, and behind every successful business is a bunch of bribes to curry favour. These people have to get some backbone and learn to just say no”.
“That sure worked a treat for the drug crisis in Raegan’s America”.
“America’s long past saving. And Thailand is almost as bad. It’s got to the point where the only trustworthy people in the place are the women”.
“Yer not wrong there. Those Pattaya expats’ local girlfriends booking their blokes into the town mafia’s frequent flyer program are real princesses”.
You pull up in front of the PoleDancers’4U Club. A stunning long legged girl in the smallest diaphanous minidress gives an old geezer a peck on the cheek, runs across the road and hurls herself into the back seat. “HansumMan, Stirrer!! Where you been for so long? I miss you big time!!!” says your beautiful Thai girlfriend.
“Say, Soonay, who was that old bloke?”
“Wolfgang is my dance teacher. He come around later when you guys go to Gullivers, give me big lesson”.
“Old Wolfy looks a bit past a big lesson,” says Stirrer. “But I bet he knows a mean little planking lambada”.
“Wolfgang knows all kinds of dance. I always get big tip from him!” Soonay stretches across the back seat and practices a few dance kicks. You get a rear mirror glimpse of a totally excellent brazilian (crazy girl seldom wears panties), which momentarily distracts you so that you drift to the left and narrowly miss running down four food hawkers, five monks, twenty chickens and thirty kids. A stream of abuse and furious rattling of alms plates follows you down the soi. Not 30 meters further on, a cop leaps out from the curb and waves you down.
You are in deep trouble here. Bangkok is in the middle of a drive-safe campaign. You don’t have a local driving licence, not to mention an international permit and you let your home licence lapse 6 months back. Worse still, you have left your ID back at the apartment, mainly because you visa lapsed a month ago and you put the task of a (probably unsuccessful) visa run in the too-hard-for-now basket. You, Stirrer and Soonay know you are looking at not just a big fine, but a trip straight to jail and an escort onto the first available flight home, debited to your account at full no discount price, and giving you no time to tie up unfinished business and other odds and ends in LOS.
The cop holds out his hand and launches a stream of Thai at you. Soonay steps in and engages in an earnest discussion which goes on for about 5 minutes. “Okay, this dude got real good sense of proportion. He say dangerous driving and licence problems can go away and he can get immigration friend to renew visa all for only 20000 baht, such a totally good bargain”.
Greedy, corrupt bastard. “Hell Soonay, I don‘t know if I‘m too keen on that”.
Soonay goes into another lengthy discussion with the cop. “Okay, this is totally excellent. I got it down to 12 thousand which Kojak here collects from me personally at apartment when you dudes go shopping later”.
This shopping is news to you. You know it is going to entail a nice little gift for Soonay, probably that 5 grand necklace you said no to yesterday. And she probably clipped the cop’s coupon another 10%. Or maybe 20 - Soonay’s got a good head for business. But as Jackie Chan never said: "man who looks gift horse in fundament likely to get dumped on".
“Hell, Nigel, I was worried there for a while!”, says Stirrer as you drive off down the soi. “For a split second I thought you were gonna just say no”.
It’s hard to drive and apply a one handed choke-hold, but fortunately for all, Soonay’s cell phone goes off before there is an accident. “Boris!! Where you been for so long? I miss you big time!!!” Boris??? You rake your memory. Yeah, he’s Soonay’s Russian yoga instructor. Knows all the best positions. This gets you thinking about Russia. - maybe give Thailand a miss and move there. Unpolluted beaches, few backpackers and very little corruption in Russia. And you know the girls are beautiful.
But are they trustworthy?
Natasha works on her trust profile - image arkivperu.com
Soonay contemplates a personal JUST SAY NO policy - image blogcdn.com
STONES FROM THE JOKER IN THE GLASS HOUSE - PART 5
or..... What to say about blabber-mouths who give away all the best spots
“All these big-mouths sending in reams of information about great places to holiday need a kick up the freckle!” you say as you press the send reply button for yet another abusive post to Thorntree Thailand. “Can’t the idiots see that they are sending hordes of extra people to all the unspoilt locations, which means pretty soon they’ll all be crammed with beach chairs, jet skis and banana boats?”
“You mean if Thorntree OPs get no answers, the tourism numbers for Thailand will be decimated?” says your mate Stirrer as he checks the passing parade outside the Samui internet café.
“Don’t be a wise-arse. Face it, how nice was Chaweng in the 80s? And look at it now!”
“Um, seeing our first visit was in ‘96, how the hell do you know about Chaweng in the 80s?”
“I’ve seen the photos those old time TT posters send in. The place was pristine. Now it’s the Benidorm of the southern Gulf. Complete crap!”
Your cell phone goes off: “Gunter! Where you been for so long? I miss you big time!!!” says a familiar Thai female voice.
“Listen up Soonay”, you reply to your gorgeous Thai girlfriend. “You are still punching the wrong button on your phone’s memory.” This last bit on the speaker-phone because any conversation with Soonay is bound to be good value.
“Oh it’s you, HansumMan! I trying to ring my German fitness coach, we got real big workout scheduled for right now!”
Yeah, well knowing the impact sensational Soonay has, that real big workout will probably last about a minute-thirty. “Sure Soonay, so don’t be late for your late-afternoon date with Stirrer at the Sundown Bar. He wants to wind-up those self righteous sex-tourist-hating American college girls.”
“Stirrer want me to wear schoolgirl uniform again?”
“No make-up and wear pig-tails!” shouts Stirrer.
There are times you could strangle Stirrer, but you have to admit some of his stunts are world class.
“You mentioned photos before“, says Stirrer, “Don’t you think those snaps posters link to their replies probably attract more interest in places than anything else. Hell, you got a link to a bunch of shots of lovely locations. You have to agree that one good shot of a beautiful island beach will drag more people there than a thousand boring words from Thorntree posters.”
“That aint the point of my shots. I put them up so I can ridicule all the wannabe hippies and gap year goof-offs they show”.
“Sure, half your shots show ferals and gappers having a good time. The rest are of really pristine locations. Actually some of them are places you have never been to. You mightn’t possibly be trying to boost your online image of the big experienced traveller, showing places the average poster has never heard of?”
“Got nothing to do with it. I just put them there to remind me we gotta get there before all these loud-mouthed poster bastards spoil it for everyone!”
“You don’t think you going there will contribute to the spoiling?”
“Stop being cute. A couple of extra people makes no difference”.
Stirrer gives this the silence it deserves. Then: “Okay. But why not take a leaf out of those surf magazines about crowd-sensitive locations. They put up a photo caption says: ‘Andy Irons ripping the outside reef at spot x in Sumatra‘. Hell, let the sheep find the place themselves instead of blabbing it to the world!”
“Too much trouble. I’d rather spend my time abusing posters who blab it to the world”.
Your cell phone goes off: “HansumMan, I think Gunter have heart attack!! I strip down for big time workout and his eyes do spinners and he kisses the floor!! What should I do?”
“Make sure no bastard pinches his phone and camera!” shouts Stirrer. “He might have some good shots of beaches and gappers Nigel can use!”
WARNING - if you abuse posters for giving information you show on your linked photos, or if your trip shots show places you‘ve never visited, it may not be such a good idea to read the above piss-take. Just scroll on by.
But keep linking those great happy snaps identifying places - I’ve seen quite a few which have caused me to think: “Jeez, that‘s nice, gotta go there!”
You have a good day, now.
Stones From the Joker in the Glass House - Part 6
or- WHAT TO SAY ABOUT CYBER THUGS.
“All these boring bastards, asking the same old questions about safety, health, the weather!” you say as you type: 'Buy a guidebook and stop wasting our time, you cheap bastard!!’ into Thorntree. “Blimey, I don’t know why I waste my time on this site!”
“Maybe because it’s one place you can mouth-off at people and not get your face remodelled” replies your mate Stirrer who is doing some dumb-arse on-line crossword on the adjacent computer at KSR‘s CHEAP CHARLIE INTERNET CAFE AND COLLEGE DOCUMENTATION.
“This flock of sheep wanting their hands held right thru their trips couldn’t frighten a girl scout.” you say. “The sissies are just asking for a flame!”
“Ambusher of unsuspecting travellers - historical - 4 letters?”, muses Stirrer, staring at the screen......."THUG!"
You continue typing 'Or look it up on Google!' and hit the send-message button.
Stirrer glances across: “Yeah, like that late ferry to PP we googled - turned out it hadn’t run all season. Reckon a Thorntree reader might have told us that?”
Before you can answer a familiar voice comes from the doorway: “Alexi, where you been so long!! I miss you big time!!” Every eye turns to your sensational girlfriend Soonay who is making a grand entrance, glued to her cell phone. Even Charlie interrupts his bulk production of Yale Law School diplomas to appraise the form. Today Soonay is doing her Maria Sharapova routine - a tiny pair of tennis shorts all the better to show those so unusual for a Thai girl long-long legs, deep v-line sleeveless T, white fluffy socks and Yonex sandshoes. She is carrying a huge Babolat kit bag which you know contains not a set of racquets, but her room-visit massage gear.
Looks like there’s another bunch of Russian businessmen in town.
Soonay continues her phone call as she sashays across the café. Not one male eye returns to a computer until she reaches you, plants a sweet kiss on your forehead and plonks herself on Stirrer’s lap, throwing an arm around his shoulder: “Okay, Alexi, I see you in fifteen!” Soonay concludes. “HansumMan, Stirrer!! Where you been for so long, I miss you big time!!”
Stuff me, you got a beautiful parrot for a girlfriend. “Um, right here Soonay”.
“Yeah, HM is salving his inferiority complex abusing posters on travel forums again”.
“HansumMan should get a life. Take me shopping more often!”
Sure, and rob a few banks to finance it. “Listen, I’m doing the branch a favour discouraging all these space-wasters with their repetitive questions. Gives us more room to talk about ladyboys, sex tourists and thread-jack posts for chat and slanging sessions,” you say............“Blimey! This half-wit has answered already, listen to this…..’I did buy a guide book and it is already out of date. Don’t call me a cheap bastard. Just anser my question‘.
”Don’t dictate what I do on a public forum, dickhead!” you recite as you bang away furiously at the keyboard. “Look it up in the search engine, you lazy bastard!! And learn to spell anser you mooron!!”
“Lover of a peace and harmony - 8 letters. Second letter A?” asks Stirrer.
“H…A…N…S…U…M…A…N” says Soonay. She and Stirrer think this is sooo funny, they just about fall of the chair laughing.
Hell, you are being tag-teamed here: “Don’t you guys have something better to do? Why don’t you piss in the direction of off and go start another riot down at the Christian Outreach glee club with your Captain and Tenille karaoke-strip routine?”
Listen, tag-teaming is okay when it is you dishing it out. You think fondly of the flaming the gang gave that girl from Brixton on TT last night, wanted to know about safety in the South. Silly bint, she could find that on the Foreign Office website. You started the flame, but a few quick PMs got another 4 of the posse in to give her hell. The half-wit didn’t know what hit her!
“Hey, he’s back!! Listen to this: ‘I object to being called a moron, a dickhead and lazy bastard. I came here to get help, not be abused. What’s up your arse?’.
You click on his profile: Hennie Muller, South Africa, interests: travelling and rugby. You hit the keyboard: 'The real question Henrietta is what’s up your arse? All you rugby types cuddling up in the scrums turn into a bunch of faggot sissies. When you go out tonight sweetie, make sure you take your ladyboy to protect you from the nasties!' You read it out to your friends and punch send reply. “Cop that you springbock-shagging fuck-witted South African!”
You notice a big ugly face staring at you from the console next to Stirrer. Bald head, broken nose, scarred forehead. Looks like he head-butted a Bangkok bus. And won. He unwinds his 205cm 160kg frame from the chair and steps towards you.
“I em the feck-witted Seth Efrican,” says the brute as a huge fist descends from somewhere near the ceiling towards your scone. Two seconds later you are on the floor under the desk, curled in the foetal position, protective arms covering head. You hear Soonay shouting loudly in Thai and a short time after Stirrer says: “Um HM, you can get up now. Soonay has got rid of the Boer”
As you regain your feet you notice Hennie hightailing it out the door. Soonay is waving around a knock-off Bowie which would shame Crocodile Dundee’s this is a knife.
“Jesus Soonay, where the hell did you get that?” you ask.
“This my happy-ending knife from out-visit massage bag. Gives Soonay big-time happy-ending when some crazy customer don’t wanna pay.”
In all the ruckus, Stirrer has not shifted from the computer monitor: “fight-challenged, flight-enhanced male; protected by female of the species: 4 letters…………W…I…something…P?”
Warning - if you are a branch-nasty who delights in cyber-bullying innocent posters, please ignore the above gentle piss-take and just scroll on by.
Although judging from the response to the last episode of HansumMan’s adventures, we are sure to have some people who will rush in and self-identify.
You have a nice day, now.
HansumMan in his dreams - image SMH
HansumMan in his nightmares - image critcononline.com
STONES FROM THE JOKER IN THE GLASS HOUSE PART 7.
Or - What to Say about The New Thorn Tree, Lurkers and Chatterers and the World Financial Crisis.
"I'm through with Thorntree!!" you say as you switch over to ThaiVisa. "This new function making you sign in again if you don't contribute for 5 minutes is the pits!!"
"Yeah, it must be a death-sentence to all the lurkers used to stay logged in 24/7 just waiting for a chance to start an argument or hold interminable and repetitive discussions about bar girls, marriage to a Thai, Brit football and the merits of katoeys vs. Isan bondage-queens. And never giving travel advice" replies your mate Stirrer.
"Not wrong" chimes in your beautiful Thai girlfriend Soonay. "HansumMan here spend 4 hours last night arguing about who cheat more on wife, Thai or Farang. Big time vital to travellers planning holiday - Not. HM could spend time much better taking me shopping." Yeah, when they invent a perfect money photocopier. "But he gives heaps of travel advice too - is world champion one-liner on Thorntree: 'Check Google' - 'Buy guidebook' - 'Look in search engine' - 'Read FAQs'".
"Listen" you say. "Research has proved that chatterers play an important function on websites like TT. They provide social interaction, bonding and diversity. If TT was only for travel stuff regulars would soon lose interest and a lot of good travel knowledge would be lost."
Soonay's cell phone goes off before Stirrer can make a smartass answer about "good travel information"...."Semtex, where you been for so long!! I miss you big time!!!"
Semtex? What the hell sort of name is that?
"Speaking of research" chimes in Stirrer. "Studies show that the online chattering class has a disproportionate number of losers who can't interact in the real world. At online forums they get a real sense of belonging, often for the first time in their lives. Which is why their members get so feral when one of them is criticised."
"Loyalty is a noble quality and should be praised in any individual or group!!! you snarl. "Too many people dissing their friends today!!!"
Oops! Maybe that was a bit feral.
Oops! Maybe that was a bit feral.
Soonay breaks in before Stirrer points this out: "Okay Semtex, I got that, go short on Merrill Lynch, they gonna tank over low-doc crisis.....Did I sell Northern Rock? No worries baby, unloaded them to friend who got big-time buy advice from wide-boy 22 year old stock expert on expat website. Some expert - never heard of CDOs, thought subprime mortgage-backers were hot buy....Take care Semtex, send more money!!"
CDOs??? Going short??? WTF is that???
"Collateralised Debt Obligantions? Shorting the market? Who the hell were you talking to, Soonay?" asks Stirrer.
"That Semtex Sam, he my big time stock market adviser. He tunnel rat in Vietnam War - used to blow hell out of VC hideouts with semtex explosive. Sam and War buddies have hideaway in mountains. Live real old-style 70s hippies life. Invest their veteran's pension checks in stock market. Way hot stock pickers - combined with growing bulk top grade ganga, those dudes richest Farangs in Thailand.
They pretty crazy old guys - paranoid about authority figures, got enough guns and explosives up there to win a war. Which they did when local police chief with mafia drug boss go to warn them off about ganga . Sam set some semtex up beside ravine bridge to give big time scare. But old duffer so bent on hydro he can't remember how much explosive. Vaporises bridge. Official vehicles, cop and drug baron end up in orbit around Pluto. Bang breaks 300 windows in Pai 20km away."
Oops! Maybe a tad less plastic next time, Sam - image www.caerdroia.org
"I suppose all hell broke loose?"
"You kidding. Everybody stay right away from those crazies now. Officials even too scared to fix bridge. Vet dudes not worried - got vintage Huey chopper, fly down to Krabi Amari for big weekends, no problems. Huey got those rocket pods packed with real live Sidewinders they got on Burma weapons black-market in case anyone wants to mess with them. Old Captain Kerkarian way radical flier, got double-vision from Charlie grenade attack. Rocket launch-button is right next to tape-deck eject-button. Sees 4 buttons every time he wants to flick Beach Boys. I pretty worried he gonna light off a Sidewinder by accident one day, take out half Ao Nang or somewhere. But he always manage to land on 2 Amari penthouse rooftops at the same time. Old dude got it wired, double vision and all."
"Hell, how come you know so much about these write-offs and their flying?"
"Sam take me along one trip for photography workshop. Totally cool weekend. Except if I hear Good Vibrations one more time I tear hair out."
"So he told you to get out of Northern Rock before it tanked?" says Stirrer. "Listen HM, didn't that Gordon Gecho clone on the expat website advise you to buy Northern Rock?"
Yep and you bought them from Soonay. Smart move - saved on brokerage: "I don't want to talk about it!!!" Bloke thought sub-prime meant one grade under AAA+.
Well, doesn't it?
Hell!! Soonay's story has you worried - you have some Amari stock in your portfolio. Bloke told you tourism stocks and financial institutions were no-brainers. Sounds like anytime soon those old maniacs are going to reduce the Krabi Amari to rubble with an accidental rocket attack or crash landing. You log-on to your stockbroker and type an order to sell, pronto.
Not an hour later later, Soonay's phone goes off again..... "Semtex, you back so soon!! I miss you short time!! ......you guys just launched a takeover for Amari? At a premium of 30% to market!!.......Wow, I glad you tell me to buy last week!! .........My boyfriend will be happy. He has truckload of Amari stock!!"
Flanked by his lawyers, HansumMan’s investment advisor fronts the Senate Rackets Committee - image Universal Pictures
.STONES FROM THE JOKER IN THE GLASS HOUSE - PART 8
Or - What to say about island-insiders, good grammar and lasting liaisons.
“My island is going down-hill quickly”, sniffs your friend SchoolMarm. “The bungalows have the worst overcrowding since I started visiting in ‘87, transport has deteriorated each year and I’ve never seen the beaches so covered with rubbish! The Sway Bar belts out loud music all night long and half the bungalow owners on Paradise Beach are blitzed on ganga 24/7 and couldn’t give a stuff about their customers! That Johnnny-Boy at Friendship Hut is rumoured to be a front for the Bangkok Mafia, half his workers are gay and nobody has a good word for the staff at Peace Restaurant - lazy buggars all!!!”
This is all said at Bangkok’s Frat Bar in a voice loud enough for the crowd of travellers to be made fully aware that here is no normal 3 week tourist but a seriously long-termer-multi-repeat-visitor with all the insider’s intimate knowledge.
And you admire how the negativity of all that is said is really good at dissuading eavesdroppers from visiting SchoolMarm’s favourite island.
SchoolMarm is so named not from teaching, but because she is a world-class serial pedant , constantly criticising and correcting people’s mistakes. On one travel forum she is also dubbed Dr_Whom after one of her pet peeves. And like those old-time schoolmarms, she constantly bad-mouths everything and never has a good word to say.
This would drive you nuts, except for one thing. SchoolMarm is the only person you know who can stir up your associate Stirrer. For this she is your friend for life.
STIRRER - I’m gunna go down Patpong and pick up Soonay.
SHOOLMARM - That’s "going down to Patpong to pick up Soonay", Stirrer. Didn’t they teach you anything at Brixton Elemantary?
STIRRER - We learned real good at BE.
SCHOOLMARM - You mean you learned really well at BE.
STIRRER - Oh god!
SCHOOLMARM - You need to capitalize God.
You love it!
A gorgeous vision in a Thai schoolgirl uniform struts into the bar. “HansumMan, Stirrer, SchoolMarm!! Where you been for so long?? I miss you big time!!!!” It’s your beautiful 23 year old Thai girlfriend Soonay, up from Patpong early. There is either a British head teachers’ convention in town - or Soonay and Stirrer are going to pull one of their canoodling stunts here at the Frat Bar to start another riot among the sex-tourist hating US college-girl feministas who frequent the place.
Looks like there's a British head-teachers' convention in town - image travelblog.org
SchoolMarm peers over her glasses at Soonay - she doesn’t approve at all. Soonay doesn’t take it personally, on account SchoolMarm doesn’t approve of anything. But Soonay and Stirrer are as thick as thieves and Soonay doesn’t like SchoolMarm’s needling.
STIRRER: Looking good Soonay! You and me should do our “To Sir With Love” cabaret-strip routine over at the piano, liven this joint up.
SCHOOLMARM: That’s “you and I” Stirrer!
STIRRER: Listen SM , could you be so kind as to go fuck in the direction of off?
SCHOOLMARM: Pay attention S , could you be so kind as to not end your sentences with a preposition?
SOONAY: Preposition? I no want to put kink in your cucumber SchoolMarm, but "off" not a preposition in that sentence, is a noun - "of" is the preposition.
SchoolMarm looks stunned. Stirrer takes great delight in telling her Soonay has an honours degree in English Lit from BU and was tutoring English grammar there before realising pole-dancing and its offshoots were much bigger earners.
You pick your jaw up off the floor - YOU didn’t know that.
“I find it hard to believe that an Enlish Lit graduate grammar teacher speaks like you. Soonay”, sniffs SchoolMarm.
“Frankly, I have absolutely no problem conversing like a CNN front-woman”, says Soonay in a perfect copy of a CNN front-woman - before going back to bar-girl speak: “but mother in Isan say secret to long term relationship is always let man think you not as smart as he”.
SchoolMarm, whos longest relationshipis rumoured to have lasted 23 minutes, looks pissed.
You see a way to ease her discomfort. “Um Soonay, shouldn’t that be “not as smart as him” ?”
Soonay is delighted. “See what I mean?”
Disclaimer - all the Joker characters are fictitious. Anyone who claims to be one of these whackos (or Soonay) should get a check up from the neck up (note from tezza to blog readers - you would be surprised how many Thorntree readers think the characters are based on them and get all sulky). However if you spend time correcting people’s mistakes, bad-mouthing your favourite destinations and constantly big-noting your status as a serious long-term insider, perhaps you should not read the above bit of nonsense and just scroll on by.
Back in the sanctuary of her room, ShoolMarm eats humble pie - image SMH
STONES FROM THE JOKER IN THE GLASS HOUSE PART 9
Or - What to Say About Forum Sabotage & Unintended Consequences
“Greedy long tail mafia - 200 each to Paradise Beach!” you moan as you head towards your favourite Andaman destination.
“Well there’s no-one else to share the ride. He did say hardly anyone goes there lately,” replies your mate Stirrer. “Might have something to do with all those bullshit posts you put on Thorntree, TOA, travelfish, TVA, moaning about noisy bars, bad service, overcrowding with people sleeping in tents on the beach. Hey and that Photobucket link showing the rocks at the edge of the beach and claiming this is what the main beach looks like - naughty move!”.
“Bloody brilliant move. Anything that keeps riff-raff backpackers, gap-year children, hippies and family groups away so we can enjoy the place is a winner, and you know it”.
“But not worth 200?”
Smartarse. Your cell-phone goes off before you can pass on this diagnosis: “Semtex, where you been for so long? I miss you big time!!!”
It’s your gorgeous girlfriend Soonay, as usual hitting the wrong button on her phone‘s memory. Semtex Sam is a Vietnam vet lives in the jungle near Pai with his old tunnel-rat buddies, invested all their war-pensions in growing hydro-ganga, invested all the profits in the stock and property markets. Richest farangs in Thailand - and a bunch of shell-shocked doped-out certifiable crazies with enough guns, RPGs, explosives and a rocket-equipped Huey helicopter to win WW3. Which they do every time the local drug mafia and their crooked cop offsiders get stupid enough to show their faces in the district. You tell Soonay you haven’t shot up any Burmese drug-lords lately.
“Oh hi HansumMan, I try to ring Semtex! He buy new hotel site yesterday for total bargain - but Trang District Property Registrar want huge backhander to process title. This dude is with mistress at Ban Na Country Club last night when all the windows break - out in car-park is big smoking hole where his Merc used to be.”
“Lemme guess, someone planted some semtex explosive”.
“Holey smoke, you way big psychic HansumMan! Anyway Sam ask me to see Registrar today - dude got title all done, refuses even normal processing fee. I trying to ring Sam, tell him good news.”
Yeah, well of all Soonay’s “associates“, Semtex Sam is the biggest worry. Not only does he cart Soonay all around the countryside for figure-photography shoots in that crazy copter flown by the double-visioned Captain Kerkarian, but you suspect he’s real sweet on her.
Well hell, every male ever met Soonay is madly in lurv, but not too many are worth mega-millions. Your distaste is heightened by the fact his shenanigans cost you a bundle of cash in the recent past and that he is the biggest developer of pristine beaches into luxury hotels in Thailand. These days you hate luxury hotels and their developers even more than backpackers, hippies, gap-yearers and family groups.
The long tail is approaching the beach so you sign off with Soonay. The sand is deserted - hey that negative publicity is working a charm! You unload you bags from the boat and pay off the driver.
Stirrer has gone ahead and is waiting just inside the tree-line with a amused look on his face: “There’s no-one here.”
Of course he can never be trusted to be straight about anything, but when you catch site of the resort you can see he is not kidding. The place is locked up, and not a soul can be seen. On the door of the restaurant is a sign in Thai and English:
BANK OF AYUDHYA - MORTGAGEE IN POSSESSION.
BANK OF AYUDHYA - MORTGAGEE IN POSSESSION.
“Oops,” says Stirrer. “Perhaps that negative publicity of yours was just a little bit strong?”
“What crap! I mean, how ##x8**//# hopeless are Thai small business people! Couldn’t make a ##x8**//# profit if they had the beer monopoly at Octoberfest!!”
“Maybe it was the bits about the pokey bungalows, poor water pressure and crap restaurant food”.
“##x8**//# bullshit!!! - ##x8**//# incompetents!!!!”
“Or the noisy bar with the gay waiters, Thai rock music blaring to the early hours”.
“##x8**//# crap!!!! - ##x8**//# retards!!!! ”
“Could be the tipping point was the line about a big new international resort being built with jet-skis and a helicopter pad”.
You are interrupted by WOMP WOMP WOMP. A sinister looking helicopter daubed out in flat black and grey primer skims over the south headland taking a section off the honeymoon bungalow’s roof with its skids, and does a cowboy pancake-flareout onto the beach.
Two reboot-Rambo bearded old dudes in jungle-camou pants, sleeveless Hendrix and Che Ts, long grey hair wrapped in day-glo bandanas and way cool 60s era Rayban Aviators jump out and hammer a big sign into the sand. They haul back onboard, the copter does one of those show-off reverse take-offs, slices the rest of the honeymooners’ roof off and disappears over the headland. The whole operation has taken exactly 56 seconds.
You wander down to the beach and check the sign:
PAI HYDROPONICS CORPORATION IS PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THIS IS THE SITE OF THE NEW SOUTH TRANG PARADISE LUXURY RESORT AND SPA. CONSTRUCTION FINISHES JAN 09
PAI HYDROPONICS CORPORATION IS PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THIS IS THE SITE OF THE NEW SOUTH TRANG PARADISE LUXURY RESORT AND SPA. CONSTRUCTION FINISHES JAN 09
“Whoa!” says Stirrer. “Looks like you weren’t kidding about the big new international resort with jet skis and a helicopter pad. Soonay ‘s right, you must be psychic!”
You are totally pissed, but just you don't want Stirrer to think you've lost your cool so you keep it brief: “Xxz%%+#!!##x8**//# !!!##x8**//#!!!!Xxz%%+###x8**//# !!!!!##x8**//#Xxz%%+#Xxz%%+#!!!!!!##x8**//#!!!!!!!”
“Not anatomically possible,” says Stirrer. “But I’m glad those copter-clowns are gone. It was starting to get crowded around here.”
Once again - all the Joker characters are fictitious. Anyone who claims to be one of these whackos is eating his/her dinner on the Planet Moog. However if you spend time sabotaging the forum by telling lies about your favourite locations to discourage other visitors, perhaps you should not read the above bit of nonsense and just scroll on by. Actually, maybe you should flock off to misanthropist/com.
Why northern drug lords and crooked officials are ditching their AMGs and M5s for the public sonthaew - Captain Kerkarian practises fast-car interdiction - image SMH
Stones from the Joker in the Glass House - Part 10
“What gets me is these newbies, been to Thailand ONCE and are instant experts on the place, sprouting off to all comers about where to go, the COOL places, what not to miss,” you say as you wait in line outside London’s Herbal must visit night-spot.
The girl in front of you, who has just told her friends how great Thong Nai Pan is, looks back at you.
“I’m terribly sorry,” she says. “I’m completely unaware I was in the presence of a true expert. How many times have you visited Thailand?”
“I stopped counting at the turn of the century. It was well over 30 then”.
“Matched your age at the time, then”.
“Nah,” replies your mate Stirrer. “HM is only 34 now. All that cheap Chang on all those visits has knocked him about big time”.
“Age or IQ?” asks the bird.
“The high IQ‘s just a rumour”, says Stirrer.
Hell, you are being team-tagged again.
“So what’s your favourite island then?” you ask the bird.
“Hard to say, but I really enjoyed Ko Kood. What do you think of it?”
The closest you have been to Kood is the Irish Pub at White Sand Beach on Chang. You would bluff it out, but you know Stirrer would delight in telling the truth. Which he does anyway.
“The closest HM has been to Kood is the Irish Pub at White Sand Beach on Chang.”
“The Trat Chang is okay”, says the bird. “But I much prefer Little Ko Chang out of Ranong.”
“HM hasn’t been there either.”
“Ummm, well how about Ko Jum?”
Stirrer just grins.
Big-time embarrassment is momentarily postponed as Stirrer’s phone goes off. He looks at the display and instantly turns on the speaker. There is only one person who Stirrer considers worth sharing a conversation with the world: “HARTMUT, WHERE YOU BEEN FOR SO LONG!!! I MISS YOU BIG-TIME!!!”
It’s your gorgeous Thai girlfriend Soonay, once again punching the wrong button on her speed dial. The fact Stirrer’s number is on her list doesn’t faze you - Soonay and Stirrer are as thick as thieves, always pulling outrageous stunts.. Their sex tourist and Thai schoolgirl trying to book in at the Amari Boulevard routine is a minor hit on YouTube.
“I hear Hartmut‘s business in Breman went broke and he can‘t send any more money”
“OH IT’S YOU STIRRER!! THAT NOT FUNNY!! HARTMUT IS MY TANTRIC-WRESTLING COACH - HE LATE FOR LESSON!!…..IS HANSUMMAN WITH YOU?”
“Yeah, he’s listing all the places he hasn‘t been in Thailand to some bird”.
“YOU BE CAREFUL HANSUMMAN. YOU GET SORE THROAT WHEN YOU TALK TOO MUCH” Soonay knows she is always on speakerphone with calls to Stirrer. “I MUST GO NOW, TANTRIC-WRESTLING COACH JUST ARRIVE. WHOAA!! HE BRING SOAP-BUBBLE MACHINE!!!……DON’T FORGET TO SEND MORE MONEY, HANSUMMAN!!”
“HansumMan. Such a rare name here”, says the bird. “But for some reason there seems to be thousands of HansumMans in Patpong, Pattaya and Patong”.
Smartass. Time to counter-attack: “So how often have You been to Thailand”.
You smirk: “Once! Uh-huh. So where did you go?”
“Umm, most places”.
“Most places? How long were you there, to go most places? “
Your lip curls: “Not a gap-yearer surely? Spending daddy’s money”. You dislike gap-yearers almost as much as retro-hippies and package-tourists.
“Oh no, I was working”.
“What, researcher for Lonely Planet?” you scoff.
“Rough Guide actually“.
Naturally Stirrer has to enhance the moment: “Hey, HM does journalistic research in Thailand too. He’s the Banglamphu beer and pole-dancing critic for the BANGKOK BARFLY BIENNIAL.
The gorilla on the door saves your bacon by waving the bird and her friends thru. Stirrer follows but the goon holds up a huge arm and blocks you.
“What’s the problem?” you protest. “My mate’s dressed same as me and you let him in!”
The gorilla grins at you: “Yeah China, but we got a No-Blowhards policy. I was listenin' to your mate and the bird - they know wot they are talkin' about. But you are full of bollocks on Thailand. I bet you think the quickest way into Bottle Beach on Ko Fang Dang is hirin' a songfaw taxi“.
Blimey, everyone’s an expert on LOS!! Quickest way into Bottle beach is hiring a shongthaew taxi!
Well it IS, isn’t it?
No blow-hards - image Google Images
Joker Part 11
WHAT TO SAY ABOUT HIGH-TECH EXPAT EMPLOYMENT
“Under the seat you will find a long steel rod with a kind of spanner fitting on the end - that’s the wheel-brace. Take it and belt the ice-cream dispenser a few times. That should get the stuff flowing”, you say into your cellphone.
“Wow, that really high-tech solution, HIGH-TECH”, says a female Thai voice. “You get sign-up call from NASA anytime soon”.
Everyone’s a smartarse these days. Just because someone - and you strongly suspect your associate Stirrer - copied a Thorn Tree Thailand post you made about your uber-salaried high-tech job with a Bangkok IT firm in a fantastic office on the 43rd storey of a downtown skyscraper with views to the Gulf (reality, low paying part-time employment as a van dispatcher for Mrs Whippit Ice Cream Co working out of a low-rise in Docklands with a great view of a shipping container storage lot) and pasted it on the company employee’s website, doesn’t really justify every smart bastard at work calling you HIGH-TECH.
Another call comes in. The boss is so tight with the baht he won’t replace the Vietnam War-era radio communications system which clapped out 2 years ago, so all dispatching goes via cell-phone. Typical expat business owner - cheapskate.
Speaking of the devil: “Where’s that ice cream van HIGH-TECH? All the brats have arrived at my kid’s birthday party and they are getting toey”.
“On it’s way Arfur. Stopped to sell a few cones at Ekamai and the machine clapped out. But I got it sorted”.
“What’s this Arfur crap. You suggesting I’m an Arthur Daley type?”
“Gosh no boss. Next to you Arfur was still on learner plates”. Arthur Daley was the spivvy TV operator of Dodgy Inc and Shortcut plc on The Minder.
“Why is everyone a smart-arse these days?”
“Possibly because they know you won’t sack them on account no other geezer is going to work this crap job for so little money”.
“Chee-ky. And keep off that Thorn Tree - I don’t want you getting distracted again like that time you sent the van to the vegan convention and those dairy-haters kicked the crap out of the bodywork.“
“You know I got a hoax call asking for a van”.
“If you paid attention you would’ve worked out something was suss“. The boss rings off. In hindsight, you strongly suspect the caller sounded like Coco, Stirrer’s hot-tub massage instructress. But you were so busy stalking one of your nemeses on the ‘Tree it didn’t gell at the time.
The phone rings immediately: “Van 12 here HIGH-TECH. 2 cops stop me and are hassling about driver licence!” says another Thai female voice.
“So show it. Or did you leave it at home?”
“I no have licence. Boss only worried how my cleavage look with 2 shirt buttons undone and push-up Wonderbra”.
Figures. The boss out-sleazes your Thai girlfriend Soonay’s 47 German step-uncles. Collectively.
“So undo 2 more buttons for the cops”.
“What you think I am, a hooker?”
“Of course not. Hookers have initiative”.
“You pathetic. Undo buttons - that real high-tech solution. NOT”
Shows how much she knows. Those underwire push-ups have some real high fangled engineering in them.
You cut her off. The phone rings immediately: “HIGH-TECH, where you been for so long. I miss you big time!” says the most gorgeous girl in Thailand.
“That HIGH-TECH bit aint funny, Soonay.”
“Neither is river of ice cream pouring out of van 3 at Ekamai. We stop our passing cab - van driver says she hit dispenser with wheel brace and shutoff valve break away. She hightailing it up stairs to Sky Train - look like she quit”.
Soonay and Stirrer were on their way to the Christian Glee Club to create a bit more havoc with another Vicar & The Schoolgirl karaoke-strip stunt: “Where’s Stirrer?“
“Every street-mutt from Soi 1 to 39 down here slurping ice cream. Stirrer gone high-tech, clearing dogs out of van with wheel-brace”.
“Tell Stirrer to jam the pointy end of the brace in the dispenser. That should stop the flow”.
“You genius, HansumMan. If General Motors had you as Mr. Fixit tech-director they would never gone bust!”
Has anyone mentioned how everyone wants to be a smartarse these days? “Listen, that van is needed at the boss’s kid’s birthday party. Do me a favour and get it out there”.
“I don’t know HansumMan, Arfur is total sleazebag”.
You chortle as cut the call. Soonay has got to be the world’s best handler of total sleazebags.
3 more consecutive calls. Van #6 has run out of Saw victims give-away figurines, Van #15 has been raided by the Bangkok Dept of Health which is the first public appearance anywhere from those bastards in 5 years, and the drivers of vans #2 and #22 are duking it out with 3 Wenny’s and 4 Mr Slurpee drivers over prime position outside the Sukhumvit chapter of Weight Watchers’ Anonymous.
You phone goes again: “HIGH-TECH, where you been for so long. I miss you no time!” says a male voice. It’s your mate Stirrer.
“You get to the boss’s place?”
“Yeah. And boss-man went ape. Soonay’s wearing her schoolgirl -hooker outfit. The boss tried to drag her into the pool-house when all the kids were distracted by me serving free cones”.
“Blimey, is Soonay okay?”
“No problems. Soonay knows HIGH-TECH’S how to by heart. She laid Arfur out with the wheel-brace”.
WARNING - IF YOU ARE IN THE HABIT OF SPENDING MOST OF YOUR TIME ON THORN-TREE SPLIT BETWEEN FALSELY BIG-NOTING YOURSELF AND ABUSING AND STALKING OTHER POSTERS IT MAY BE A GOOD IDEA TO IGNORE THE ABOVE BIT OF NONSENSE AND SCROLL ON BY. YOU HAVE A NICE DAY NOW.
Budget-traveller builds momentum on HansumMan's latest high-tech Phi Phi to Ko Jum app. - image Sydney Morning Herald.
Postcript: When I posted this on Thorntree, some geezer thinks he is HandsumMan went ballistic, did a multi-post rant and complained to the mods. MELTDOWN!! The thread lasted about 2 hours and got zapped. Oh dear - some people are way too sensitive.
Geezer's got delusions of grandeur. For the record, HandsumMan is based on the shortcomings of about a dozen of the nastier, sillier and/or more hypercritical posters on various travel forums. The fact that his adventures with Soonay and Stirrer are at present (admittedly low season at the time of writing) the second most popular Thai-themed page after DON'T DROWN is proof they have a tiny cult following. Or maybe some English teacher somewhere has said to class: "This is how you DON'T write satire".
Anyway, some poeple's skins are way too thin. As Willy Nelson said to Kinky Friedman: "If they can't take a joke, fuck 'em!"
Joker Part 12
WHAT TO SAY ABOUT PRETENTIOUS LANGUAGE USERS AND UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS ON TRAVEL SITES
“Jeez, strewth, crikey, stone the crows!!” says WeatherNerd as he types another lots more info and pix in the first link below into Thorntree Thailand. “You know what I hate?”
“Um, let me try to remember”, you reply. “You’ve ranted about flamers, frauds, fuckwits, big-noters, brain-deads, bull-shitters, been no-wheres, behaviour police, exaggerators, enviro-Nazis, whiners, whingers, whackos, wankers, wanabes, haters, hasslers, half-wits, hissy-fits, has-beens, never-beens, nerds, nut-jobs, nasties, no-brains, nit-pickers, know alls, know-nothings, pious bastards, pedants, prissy-sissies, p.c police, miss-fits, mis-representers, misogynists, misanthropists, liars, lunatics, suck-up merchants, plagiarists, pedants, pea-brains and general all-round pricks.”
“You forgot cry-babies, crazies, dills, deadbeats, stalkers, sanctimoaners, serial contrarians, self-deluders, sissies, ranters, retards, reactionaries and rat-bags”, adds your friend Stirrer.
“Stone the crows, mateys, I don’t hate them losers. I just like to give ‘em a rev up every now and then. No what I hate is those ungrateful bastards here on Thorntree, you give them a whole 4 lines of detailed information, not to mention the lots of info and pix in the first link below - and what do you get in return? Nothing! Sweet FA!”
“Maybe because they’ve already read the same stuff in the guide books and travelfish”, says Stirrer. “You do tend to be pretty big on the cut and paste technique of travel-reporting”.
“Strewth, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, less than half my stuff is cut and paste. You know that the majority of what I write I get eavesdropping genuine travellers here at the Wanderers’ Bar. Jeez, spend a few afternoons here and you can write a whole guidebook. Not to mention bludging lots of info and pix to put in the first link below”.
WeatherNerd glances at your old travelling mate Baron Bluster aka Professor Smelly who has just joined the group: "“Speaking of pix, how about some copies of those great Samui shots you were just showing us, Professor”.
The Baron fancies himself a hard man, maybe helped by the fact he is built like a brick shit-house. He glares at WeatherNerd. “It’s a complete dork whom pastes pictures of less known nice beaches thereby attracting every two-bit tourist whom decides to hit Thailand!” The Baron recently got himself a degree from one of those jumped up Brit ex-polytechnics now calling itself a university. Like many late-educated dudes he likes to bung it on to show us taxpayers’ our money wasn‘t wasted.
WeatherNerd is delighted: “Crikey kemosabe, I like it when you start taking the piss out of pretentious language users. Particularly incorrect pretentious language”.
The Baron narrows his eyes. “Who’s taking the piss? Listen sunshine, I hear one more bit of crap from you about the way I talk and I’m going to jam that miniature rain gauge you carry so far up your clacker we’ll get an precipitation reading from your left frontal lobe!”
“Moving on!" blurts WeatherNerd. "Hey, here’s the lovely Soonay!”
“HansumMan, Stirrer, Prof, Terrezzio!! Where you been for so long? I miss you big time!!” Every eye in the bar swivels as Soonay, your gorgeous Thai girlfriend makes the big entrance. Today she is doing SAILOR GIRL with the white officers’ top, captains’ hat, 5 inch stilettos and the tightest pair of white short-shorts. Looks like the US Far East Fleet is back in town.
“Looking good, Soonay!!” says Stirrer. “You channelling Christine Aguilera?”
“Not wrong. I just finish 43 performances of Candy Man. Those Yankee sailor-boys real appreciative. Say my butt is good as Christine’s. Big compliment, she got awsum butt!”
Yeah, but the pocket-rocket with the big voice has a big disadvantage over Soonay - Ms Aguilera keeps her shorts on during the Candy Man clip.
She got more than awsum butt - image gifbin.com
“I real beat, need power-nap. Hey Terrezzio, why don’t you do your Sand Man routine, tell me about October weather?”
“Crikey Soonay! No worries!
October is usually one of the wettest months in all areas. But we still get plenty of posts saying people had a good holiday with the usual daily mixture of one or a few showers/storms and sunshine/scattered cloud, some days with no rain. This has been the pattern in all my wet season visits -one of these went into early October bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit.YADA YADA DRONE DRONE BLAH BLAH - lots more info and pix in the first link below.
Prolonged wet periods are not too common in Thailand but I have to say in all the years I've been following the wet season - bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit YADA YADA DRONE DRONE BLAH BLAH - lots more info and pix in the first link below.
September in this area tends to be the end of its drier mid-year period, so if your visit is EARLY Oct, you may have a better chance of less rain than later bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit ---
You notice Soonay’s eyes are glazing over. With a gentle plop, her head hits the table and she is cutting the zeds (or zees fer you Yanks talk funny).
“Statistically the driest island in an average Oct has been Ko Samet - 216mm and 15 days with SOME sort of rain - on some days this could be a short shower at night. Most of Samet's beaches face east and are sheltered from the prevailing wet season winds which on the days when they get stronger bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit YADA YADA DRONE DRONE BLAH BLAH - lots more info and pix in the first link below.
The wettest are the Ranong Islands of little Ko Chang and Ko Phayam (414mm-24). Samui has averaged 304-20. When you get a chance, check out http://www.tmd.go.th/EN/region.php?RegionID=6 and http://www.tmd.go.th/EN/province.php?id=74 …..”
An ungodly noise sounds like a heifer farting breaks out. Stirrer and Prof are snoring like champions.
“Anecdotally and statistically wet season tends to end earlier in the eastern Gulf than other island areas. So if you are going LATE Oct you may find Big Ko Chang and its neighbours drier than most except Samet.
If you look at the stats for the north in the second link below you will find rainfall totals seem to drop earlier there too. As http://www.tmd.go.th/EN/province_stat.php?StationNumber=48455 shows, the central area around Bangkok seems less wet also bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit YADA YADA DRONE DRONE BLAH BLAH - lots more info and pix in the first link below….”
You know you should thank WeatherNerd - Soonay works such late nights she needs all the rest she can get. And anyone who can shut Stirrer up for more than two minutes is a champion. But you are finding it hard to concentrate,….things feel so sweet when you just close your eyes ….zz.. zzzzzzz…..burp......fart......ZZZZONK.
When you awaken the clock shows +1h. All Prof’s shots are spread out on the table, no doubt to allow WeatherNerd to take a group pic with his ever ready compact Cannon. Any good photo editing site will dice and splice them into individual shots. You notice there is an explicit shot of Soonay in the buff you gave to Smelly to show his mates back at Pattaya. There's a good chance WeatherNerd will fire that one into one of those girly-photo sharing sites like What Boys Want. Jeez, how unprincipled is that?
Hard core normally unexcitable travellers are whelmed by WeatherNerd’s sartorial splendour
- Image ???? Who knows? Readers may note that unlike most of the blogosphere I’m scrupulous in crediting pix to the people who took them.
But this one is tricky. One guy claims it is his - but his pbase has dozens of 3rd party shots he’s ripped off other photographers without acknowledgement. To make matters worse he’s also a big-time plagiarist of large sections of this blog.
Another bloke claims the shots are his and has given me written permission to use them. Although he’s a bit of a rough diamond I trusted this guy until recently when events have suggested my judgement is maybe not too sound.
To complicate matters, non-commercial artistic copyright case law suggests ownership stays with the artist - both these guys are in the shot and certainly didn’t compose it and press the shutter. Who the hell took this shot?? Is the image on his/her pbase or similar? Has the first person mentioned above ripped this one off too? I would like the photographer to contact me so I can credit him/her his image.
Gets better. Both dudes in the background of the shot have posted it on an internet forum with millions of readers CLAIMING IT IS GOOD OLD TEZZA THE WEATHER-NERD. Okay, I went along with the joke, it‘s a great pix in that context. But consider - they have put it in the public domain. Maybe they should check copyright case-law for non-commercial images in the public domain. Who owns it then?? - case law suggests the public, but that it is good manners to acknowledge the original artist.
So once again, who took the shot so I can acknowledge him or her???
Gets worse too - the real loser here is whoever the main subject of the shot is. He is being made fun of and here I’m as guilty as anyone. Now I don’t mind a pix which makes fun of me, but very possibly he is different. If he or anyone else in the shot asks me to remove it (ASKS v ORDERING - just gotta say: I don’t like the shot - could you remove it?) I will willingly oblige.
JOKER PART 13
What to say about Rip-offs, Scams and SUPER TRAVELLERS.
“This goes into my all-time worthless posts collection. How can you even manage to buy a loaf of bread, never mind fuck up a songthaew journey? Sounds to me like you should of stayed home if you can't even afford the fares to get where you want to go. Dumbass.” you recite as you type furiously into Thorn Tree Thailand.
“Sounds like you are shooting the messenger again” says your mate Stirrer.
“And why not? Got some newbie here didn’t negotiate the price beforehand for a songthaew trip, whining she had to pay 1500baht for a 3km journey.”
“So she puts a warning on the forum to allert other newbies about the result of not negotiating. Isn’t that one of the major functions the forum was set up for?”
You ignore the question, instead typing: ”Global-Traveller LOL. You don’t even know the first thing about travel.”
The HandsumMan lapel badge (image The Big Red Biotech Blog)
"HARTMUT, WHERE YOU BEEN FOR SO LONG? I MISS YOU BIG TIME!"
You abandon your laptop and join every other person in the restaurant scoping out the wonderful creature who has just entered, cell-phone to ear. It's Soonay, your stunning girlfriend, no doubt talking to one of her 32 German uncles. Soonay says her mum married into the largest family in Bremen. The big request for more money will come anytime soon.
“I must go Hartmut. You ring again soon. Please send more money!”
Tonight Soonay is dressed in her Nurse Betty uniform. If nurses wore uniforms that short in tandem with an oft-vanishing g-string the Thai hospital system would be bankrupted by an overload of male patients.
“Looks like there’s another retired-widowers’ cruise in town.” says Stirrer.
“Not wrong” replies Soonay. “Cruise director told me to tone table-dancing down. Says their defibrillator died from overuse my first show. They sure don’t make them like they used to”.
“No, old dudes”.
You glance at your screen. Global-Traveller mentions she didn’t know she had to barter every trip beforehand. You pounce: “It's BARGAINING not BARTERING. If you are too stupid to know the difference then I'm not surprised you get conned by such simple scams. Next time use your brain for once. If your unable to think for yourself you really should not be here. Simple as that. Bonehead. Thailand tourism needs less idiots like you”
“Nigel is salving his inferiority complex again” explains Stirrer as Soonay peers at the screen.
“Oh dear” she says. “HandsumMan, I wish I you let me check before you post, particularly when flaming bad English. That LESS in your last sentence is wrong. Should be FEWER.” It’s a little known fact that Soonay lectured English grammar at Bangkok U before she realised pole dancing and ancillary activities were far more lucrative.
“Listen, this bint is so thick she’d never know”, you reply.
“Fair enough. You never knew” says Stirrer. “Hey Soonay, tell us about how you met Nigel. Didn't you have to rescue him when he was bailed up by some taxi driver - Nigel moaning about how taxis everywhere use their meters, so why didn’t the Bangkok guy?”
“Nigel too trusting. Like time I had to take Lek and baseball bat from door at Ballistic Banana Club to negotiate refund on 2000 baht Rolex from KSR Disposals. Rolex fritzed after 12 hours”.
Wrong. The Rolex went for at least 15 hours. But you don’t think you’ll mention this.
“I seem to remember that cut-price Air Asia ticket from Khun’s pancake stand didn’t work either”, continues Stirrer.
“No worries. Khun a real sissy. Baseball bat without Lek sort that one out”.
You are being tag-teamed here, a favourite activity of Stirrer and Soonay. But who cares? Wait to they see the deal you cut this afternoon with Sukhumvit Securities. Twenty grand of Greek Government bonds at 80 cents in the Euro. European sovereign debt backed by a time of issue AAA rating from Moodies and endorsed by some world famous investment guru called Bernie Maddoff. How good is that?
You got a tip on the deal from a Sukhumvit Securities insider on Thai Visa. God Thailand is great! You couldn’t do a deal like that at home.
WARNING.: If you spend much of your Thorn Tree time flaming posters who warn about scams and promoting yourself as a SUPER TRAVELLER know-all, ignore this little parody and just scroll on by. You have a nice day now
The TILBA TILBA TIMES LITERARY SUPPLEMENT rates “Stones“ a winner.
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